Perplexed but not in Despair, Cast Down but Not Destroyed

A month or so ago I began writing some posts that were straight from my heart, sharing the emotional terrain that I would have otherwise kept for the places of my personal journal.  I felt the Lord led me to share my heart experiences.  I think because it is very common, normal, to be expected- to deal with heart ache in this lifetime.  Whether death, sin, circumstances we WILL have trouble in this world.  And, though I would prefer to only notice the pretty and pleasant sometimes the ugly must be acknowledged.

If you have not read some of these other posts of mine and would like to start there- click here.

I have been very conscious of my spiritual walk this past month- who cannot be conscious when traversing a dessert?  I have wanted to share with you my heart, my thoughts along the way.  At least journal them for myself to record God's hand in my story. Do you journal?  I have since I was a little girl, however in these last busy years raising young ins (well eighteen years, really) I have only seemed to have found time enough to record the hallmarks of my journey- not the everyday stuff that makes up the many stitches of this patchwork.

I consider journaling a sort of way of memorializing God's work.  Like God told Moses, "Write this in a book as a memorial and recite it to Joshua" when the Amalek was crushed by Joshua and His people. (Exodus 17:14)  Moses even went further to build a memorial. (verse 15).  Joshua learned this as an act of worship and put it into practice by building a memorial of stones himself representing the twelve tribes of Israel in order to remember that the waters of the Jordan were cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord.  (Joshua 3:6-8) 

I have never built a memorial of stone with my own hands but I have placed pebbles of words together to be cemented as a memorial, in order for me to pause before it at that moment and many more later to consider the Lord's hand.   Do you build memorials of words?            

I am digressing from my original purpose of this post.  But as I naturally diverge in a "teaching" mode, well, THAT is a good sign to me indeed.

This post is another bead strung next to June 2nd's post.  If you like you can read that here.  There have been many beads that I could have strung between these two which would have produced an intelligible connection; however, I was not up for writing or could not carve out the time to do so.  So I name this next bead to be the centerpiece of this necklace.  It is worthy of focus as this past month has been a turning point in my heart and soul.  I feel myself ascending into the mountains again and I do not want to forget how and Who is bringing me there.  Thus, I create this ceramic bead as a memorial.

I begin by stating that I have been these passed months as Paul ,

"(I) am troubled on every side, yet not crushed;

I am perplexed, but not in despair;

persecuted, but not forsaken;

cast down, but not destroyed."

-2 Corinthians 4:7-9, paraphrase mine.

I read my June 2nd post before commencing to write this and I can testify that probably for the first time in my life I really did feel like this.  Circumstances, relationships, and the actions of others pushing, pressing, extracting- till I have been troubled on every side, cast down. 

I just searched the word "perplexed" and found its meaning in the concordance to be having no way out- when traversing to see no clear direction (anyone just think of being in the wilderness spiritually?), to be at a loss mentally. EXACTLY...but for God.

... He orders my steps, delights in my way, and though I fall, I shall not be utterly cast; for the Lord upholds me with His hand. (Psalm37:23-24) 

Are you dear one feeling crushed today? cast down? perplexed?  Do you feel the gentle hand of our Father holding yours?

Our journey is not about getting to the mountain top but how we spend our time with the One holding our hand along the way.  I am learning that He WILL allow me to go through uncomfortable things; but He is right by my side.  Though I may be perplexed, I need not be in despair because He is guiding me even if it does not look like it.  And though I may be cast down; I will not stay down because He is upholding me. 

Good things indeed to memorialize.

Come back next Wednesday as I add more beads to this string.

Welcome- with a Smile

Participating with the Gypsy Mama and many others in

5-Minute Friday

Where we...
1. Write for 5 minutes flat with no editing, tweaking or self critiquing.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in {you can grab the button code in my right side bar}
3. Go and tell the person who linked up before you what their words meant to you. Every writer longs to feel heard.

It’s a great way to exhale at the end of a beautiful week.

Today's prompt is WELCOME.

GO.

The very first thing that comes to mind when I hear "Welcome" is a warm, well- welcome, the words being said by a person having a huge genuine smile who makes eye contact, gives you their attention and everything in their being exudes warmness.

Now this could conjure a picture of Grandma when the family arrives at the door Christmas morning.  But it could also be seen by a stranger in a public situation- take a hostess at a restaurant.

When I am in a social setting I ALWAYS search out the "welcoming" people.  They are the ones with the "Yes!" faces that you know you could have a relationship with (or at the very least a nice conversation) and I naturally gravitate toward them.  There is an elderly couple at church who are so attractive with their warm, welcoming, sincere smiles.  Greeting them (them greeting me) is one of the highlights of my Sunday experience.

Do you carry an expression of "Welcome"?  All it takes is some conscious effort to be aware of others and a BIG smile.  Welcome someone today and see where it takes you and them.  You may just be the highlight to their day.

STOP.
Share this link and read others- click on the 5-minute Friday button above.

Also linking friendships with

WONDER

WONDER

Today's prompt for Five-Minute Friday is wonder.   hmm...what comes to my thoughts today as I think of wonder.

I wonder (am curious) how it is that each day can be new?  What a wondrous thought.  Each day involves a night then the glorious sun rises and the day begins anew.  How wonderful of our Creator.  He knew that our bodies would need rest, our brains a break, our hearts a repose.  He knew that the greenery of the earth would need rest from the sun's heat, that animals need to sleep.

Then in the wee hours of morn the dew visits to bring refreshment to the greenery, a moist facial to the soft petals of the flowers.  Oh the wonder-

the splendor.

I wonder that as the flowers receive refreshment from the coolness of night and the dew of early morning, as my mind and body rests through dream upon my bed, I wonder at His mercies being NEW to me every morning as well.  EVERY morning of every day that you and I take breath His mercies are there to greet us- and they are new.  They are fresh.  His compassions like that He has for His creation are there faithfully waiting for us every....new....day.  Oh, the wonder; GREAT is Your faithfulness.


What makes you wonder today?



Tell us as you link up to 5-Minute Fridays with the Gypsy Mama and I.

It is better...

"It is better to go to a house of mourning

than to go to a house of feasting,

 for death is the destiny of every man;

the living should take this to heart."

~Ecclesisates 7:2 (NIV)

I was in the house of mourning yesterday.  Among family and strangers I sat at the funeral service of a distant relative.  My grief was not so strong and near because of the loss of this precious person to me, rather I shared the grief of her closest family, the heaviness of their loss of one so dear.  I have felt that kind of grief.  The kind that makes the phrases, "broken hearts".  The kind that feels like your insides are being ripped  or you feel so hollow inside- a space that will not be filled again.  I sympathized with them.

The orator of the service read most appropriate scriptures of having faith in Jesus to resurrect our bodies unto everlasting life.  I ruminated the spiritual state of the souls in his audience.  I silently prayed that His words would be heard by them enough to make a saving difference. 

It is better to go to the house of mourning.  Do you think that strange?  Probability states that you have already visited one or will soon.  I sat in the house of mourning yesterday and I got it.  To leave her rooms without understanding would be almost impossible.  Especially when there lay spread before you a body.  A dead body.  No life what so ever in it.  A carcass really.  But because of the dignity of the human life in which it encased we do not use that word.  To those whose lives intertwined with hers that body represented life- a cherished life filled with stories, memories.  But the breath of life was taken from the body into the next chapter.  That was evident.

We grieve. Yet not without HOPE.  We have hope because we have FAITH that He who says we will be resurrected will indeed DO it for us.  Yet, the shortness of this life is also so blatantly evident.  A flower quickly fading.  I get it.  I am remembering today to ask the Lord to "teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom".  (Psalm 90:12)  

The "house" in the above scripture is synonymous with "family".  It means a dwelling of great containment literally or figuratively- to obtain children.  Yesterday, the day was spent reminiscing and sharing events and hearts with one another, meeting new generations.  All that matters is PEOPLE.  In the end when this chapter of our lives is complete all that will have mattered is relationships.  Our relationship with our Father.  Our relationships with those closest to our hearts.  Our relationships with fellow human beings.  

Death is the end of every man but it is also just the beginning.  I want to live now in such a way that my loved ones will want to be persons in the same chapters with me.



Walk with Him... I am linking up today.

UPlifted Heart

I am in my kitchen making my firstborn a cheesy, ham omelet for his eighteenth birthday-breakfast.  Have this song playing (I will share the link below)- my heart is uplifted.

Just before this I scripted the very last page of the hard back journal that I had started the day he was born.  The journal is written in letter style directly to him.  Over these eighteen years I would write an entry when he would do something cute or funny, something BIG happened, or always on every birthday.  As I  reminisced of that very first day that my eyes looked in awe upon his very round, bald head, I was touched with emotion.

Oh, yes, how the years have flown.  Sigh.  That wee babe is now a man.

That innocence.  All but for the human naivety in all of us is gone.

So many hopes I had then for him.  So many dreams to be realized.  Yet in this parenting journey I have learned that children are not empty vessels for us to stuff with our ideals and credence; they, as we, are clay that can only be influenced by us, by life, by Him.  They are their own vessel- His, not mine.

Oh, how I have learned this the hard way.  His choices made that trail in the opposite direction of what I would want for him.  My heart is still in pieces, but I trust that it will mend.

There is always HOPE until Jesus says otherwise.

So here I am flipping the omelet, tears fall, heart aches, love flows.  A million words I think of to advise him at this hallmark moment of his- yet he already knows- so I quiet myself and give him a hug.

I wonder if It will all work out in the end.  The final end.  I can only hope that God moves.  And because I know that He IS FoR me I sing this song heart aching, voice blazing, mind uplifted.

Is there something for which you ache?  You hope?

Play this song- you know it,  I have had it posted here before-  listen to the words, let them sink, and let your heart be lifted and sing unabashedly!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=1SAtWjBDFeM

Every Day- A Pearl in the Making

The 5 Minute Friday- a delicious morsel of words...

EVERY DAY-
I love the consistency of those two words together.  Like pearls strung on a rope.  If I do not get it (put your own word in there- "get it- done, right") then I have the promise of the pearl of tomorrow.

Every day I will look for God's gracious hand painting strokes of His mural- the story of our lives.

Every day I search for Beauty whereby my heart can be lifted and I can give thanks to its Creator.

Every day I always have a "to do" list but I much rather work on the looking and searching.

Every day I am being formed into a pearl for His glory.

So are you-
So if you feel pressed, stroked, accosted, rubbed the wrong way- it is for your good and His glory.

Every Day.

STOP.

Visit here to meet other Pearls.

A Drop of Water for the Dry Sponge

If you have read the been reading my recent posts, you are aware that I am going through SOMETHING.  I am not one to be verbal about my sorrows; moreover, I do not seek sympathy by spreading my turmoils among friends.  Instead I retreat.  I go inward.  I go to a place where I eventually meet GOD.  He heals me.  He restores me. He picks me up.  And sometimes He even gives me eagles wings so that am enabled to SOAR above my circumstance. (Isaiah 40: 28-31)

Right now though I am a place that is so unfamiliar, so desolate.  A wilderness that seems to have no end to the chaos.  As I meditate it has been about two years now of this arduos journey...through the wilderness, through the desert.  Maybe one or two stops on the high hills.  But it has been so long since I have soared among the mountain peaks that I do not think I could remember how to soar even if I had those eagle's wings placed upon me now.

Two years ago my oldest son was 15.  The second to oldest son was 14.  That is all I will say about them....

My last journal entry I was exhausted- drained- from the depths of my soul, from my head to my toes.  I felt led to post that diary entry of mine.  It has now been about a week and I wanted to continue sharing with you my journey.

I have been feeling like a dry sponge.  Do you know what I mean?  A natural sponge from the sea is meant to absorb water- to be full- and to be expressed- poured out.  Jesus said that "everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." (John 4:13)   I can say that most of my Christian life I have been a sponge full of Life pouring out water, being filled again, and again.  Squeezing myself so that drops of liquid spiritual healing may wet the sponges that I come into contact with.  That is my purpose to be full so that I might be emptied.

But presently, I have felt like a DRY sponge.  Have you ever touched one?  They are hard, brittle, full of holes, and not in their natural state.

THAT is how I have been feeling of late.

There is nothing in me to give.

I am dry.

I am empty.

I have been hardened.

I am not in my usual, natural state.

If I parallel this to my soul-world, I could say that I feel completely undone.  Have you ever been there?  I think that this might be my first time experiencing this in this way.  It is like I feel flat. -almost hollow .  This is the state people crave release by the sweet kiss of death.  I can understand that now.

But for HIS GRACE.

He gently, ever so gently, like the soft rustling of the wind in the grass whispers, "This is where I want you to be- empty."

But Father, "I am parched.  Dry. Cracked.  Relieve me of the fiery serpents and scorpions.  Bring me out of this wilderness and thirsty ground where there is no water."

"Your sorrow is from an other's sin; this place, I leave you here.  But I AM with you."

"It does not feel like it Lord!"

Drop.

Drop.

Drop.

A drop of water.  Liquid healing.  Sustenance.  I have been feeling the drops.  Only one a day maybe.  Drops of grace.  A word of encouragement.  A scripture of promise.   A heart that understands.  Just a few drops.  Small relief for a thirsty soul.  But though one small drop of the water molecule does not quench my thirst or take the dry cracks from my soiled heart, it does promise Hope, Comfort, and Joy.

Hope- that with Him all things are possible.

Comfort- that He has not left me to my own demise.

Joy- that He is with me and loves me with so great a Love. 

Jesus was wounded for my transgressions.  He sorrowed over my sin.  Is this what I am to learn? to share in some minscule way an understanding of what He endured for me? And that to be FULL I must be EMPTY?  I feel really empty.  I do not think that I consciously could have ever taken my psyche to this state on my own.  It has been the desert, the scorpions that have taken me to a place of un-doneness.  I am undone.

The dry sponge drinks in the drop...day after day now there has been a "plunk" of another drop.  I trust that He will saturate me again.  That I will be a watered garden again.  I trust that the Lord shall, "guide me continually and satisfy me in this drought and make strong my bones.  I will be a spring of water whose waters fail not." (Isaiah 58:11)

I even trust that He will rain a deluge over my soul.

But for now, I trust and quaff each drop waiting for the next.

Vote for LOV

Thank you for all of you faithfuls who are voting for me on the Circle of Moms site!  I almost have 100 votes which is amazing to me!  Remember you can vote once a DAY until June 8th.  If you go to the site you have to scroll w----a------y    down to find me!

I have really enjoyed visiting new-to-me blog sites from there. 

The site contest is for Mom bloggers of any faith....to all of you kindred sisters I would like to say-

"(I) give thanks to God and the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,

praying always for you,

Since we have heard of your faith in Christ Jesus,

and of the love which you have for all o the saints..."

-Colossians 1:3-4 KJV

 LOV, nicol

Journal Thoughts

I am kind of in a dark funk right now...I HAD wanted to begin a series about "Ladies Of Virtue".  What is a Lady?  Who are (we)?  What is virtue and how does it effect our lives?  How do we become virtuous?

All of these scrumptious nuggets waiting to be rolled into one delectable pastry that would last weeks.

However- LIFE happens.

"The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." -Proverbs 16:9

I had recently said that I am taking a writing hiatus.  I still am of sorts.  I presently am not writing where I really need to study scripture to deliver to you an inspiring article of Truth.  Just now though, I had to look up "steps" in the concordance....It means "pace"- which unequivocally, exactly fits what I am trying to say!  I have so many ideas to share with you, subjects to study.  The "LOV Journal" was meant to inspire women to LOVE being women, being godly women, and to see the Beauty that surrounds us.  That is my gift of exhortation in a nut shell.  Look for the pretty, look or the positive, look for the silver lining in the cloud.  Those phrases are what I diligently communicate to myself and try to share with others.  I do not like ugly things; I do not like to share ugly thoughts, feelings, the stuff that makes me feel more like beast than human.

But presently, the Lord has slowed my pace to almost a standstill. My strength is gone. The brightly burning embers are dim.

I understand that as I am comforted through hard times I am enabled to comfort others.  But most of the content of my HARD stuff deals with those closest to me.  Out of respect for them I cannot, do not write about the struggles we endure.  However, the other night I was writing in my journal- you remember, the old faithful friend with soft pages and ink swirls that remains faithful with your secrets?  Your BFF that is always as close as a reach-to-the-draw away?  I was writing when the thought occurred to me that I should post this particular entry.

So what you see below- is ME... raw, unedited (well, with name removals and se- adjustments for privacy)- written by the woman who yearns to be a Lady of Virtue.

"writing- feel compelled to- _ just blew up at me.  Hard to believe that it took h-- this long; I was waiting for it.  -e's all upset- how can -e go to work away to make a living when I am falling apart?  Really, __ is half of it.  I would have screamed at __ right now and shut the door. __e is crying because I am making __ sleep in __ own room.  If I do not, I think that I will go clinically nuts.  Such is the state my __ can get me in.  Still I can hear __ annoying, pitiful attempts of whining/crying to get my attention.  It is annoying me because __ is trying to sleep on the other side of the wall.  I'm putting ear plugs in soon.  Why do I let my ____ stress me out this much?  I haven't even mentioned  what happened with ______.  My heart feels like it exploded and all that is left are shards of glass lying on the floor.

I feel that if I let myself I could
a) scream and scream loudly till my throat is hoarse

b) physically b--- one specific ____

c)get in a car and drive to (who cares?) and not even look back

All but for God's grace.

....but I feel that it (His grace) is a tiny trickle, one small drop to quench the thirsty parched throat of one who has just traversed the Sahara.  Or I feel like I am hanging over a precipice with only a thread to hold on to. -not a sailor's well-trained knot of thick cord- just one thin thread- the kind that you would darn a hankie with.

Why does it feel like that when His grace is sufficient?"

enough.

abundant.

Perhaps tomorrow I will post some more.

The Sky is Bright and my Heart is dark Blue

I just  wrote a few days ago that I was taking a break from writing as I am taking a much needed R&R.  But I read this post today and it completely spoke to my heart and wanted to share it with you.

Especially this, "There will be people who disappoint you so badly that all you’re left with are the shattered pieces of your heart. There will be pain, there will be loss, and there will be tears. But God in His wisdom is good."

I hope that you, too, are blessed.

How to Be Happy on the Bluest of Days

Are there days when things get under your skin and you say, “Why me?” Does it seem like the minute everything is going great, it all comes apart?"

Maybe it’s difficulty with your family or friends, perhaps it’s your husband’s attitude, or maybe it’s something as small as a traffic jam. Irritations whether big or small have a way of spoiling an otherwise beautiful day. Don’t they?

So how do we fix it? How can we make our world a better place so that we’ll be happy within it?

The answer is--we can’t and we shouldn't expect to.

There will be days where you wake up on the wrong side of the bed and wish you could crawl back in. There will be people who disappoint you so badly that all you’re left with are the shattered pieces of your heart. There will be pain, there will be loss, and there will be tears. But God in His wisdom is good.

Have you ever wondered why God cursed Adam and Eve in Genesis chapter three?

I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception… cursed is the ground for thy sake;

in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life.

Thorns also and thistles shall it bringforth to thee; and thou shalt eat theherb of the field.

~ Genesis 3:16-19 (paraphrased)

We know that the curse is the result of man's sin. And why then are we, who are forgiven of sin, still living the curse?

Because the curse is a constant reminder that we are in desperate need of salvation. It was designed with a purpose--put there for our good—so that we might understand our need for a saviour.

We can’t change the world around us completely, but we can change the way we relate to it so that while we’re riding the waves, we keep an even keel.

All too often we have that reversed. We spend all of our energy focussed on changing our surroundings so that we’ll feel better, happier, content, and relaxed--when the reality is that this peace comes from within. No one can take that away, unless you give them that power. We develop that sense of inner peace when we trust in our saviour, the same way that the disciples learned to trust Him in the storm.

And there arose a great storm of wind,

and the waves beat into the ship,

so that it was now full. And he was

in the hinder part of the ship, asleep

on a pillow: and they awake him, and

say unto him, Master, carest thou not

that we perish? And he arose, and

rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea,

Peace, be still. And the wind ceased,

and there was a great calm.

~ Mark 4:37-39

You are loved by an almighty God,

Darlene

Time-warp-wife.blogspot.com

Thank you Darlene for being His vessel and reminding me of this.

Circle of Moms

I saw the badge for "Circle Of Moms" first on "Time-Warp-Wife"...I did not even know what the site was (Circle of Moms that is).  But Darlene was asking for votes so I was anxious to give her my support.

The site is great for connecting Moms and great blogs!!!  I decided to sign up for what I was thinking to be represented on the site's web links.  Well, in order to complete that process I had to post the voting badge for the Top 25 Mom  blogs-  so if you would be so sweet (as I would love to meet more of you readers and writers) would you consider voting for me?

And yes, Darlene you still get my vote! (;

~Nicol

Please be so kind as to vote or me- HERE- Thank you!

R&R

I will not be in cyber space for a little while. I am taking some much needed rest and relaxation to restore and rejuvenate my energy supply and creative tanks.  Come back though I will not be away for too long!

I leave you with this pondering thought-



"Serene women do not become sidetracked. Sidetracked women, who scatter their energies to the four wonds, never achieve serenity." -Sarah Ban Breathnach

For All of the Mothers

Have you ever read something and thought, "I could not have put that into words any better?"

I wanted to send you thoughts this weekend about Mother's Day.

I read those below; they are a perfect message. The post is from Teri Lynne.

I hope you enjoy-

I hope that you have a beautiful, blessed weekend.

For the Mothers … All of Them

by Teri Lynne Underwood

As Mother’s Day draws near, may I share from my heart a piece of encouragement?

For the Mothers

For those who have longed for a child of their own and will stay home from church today because it’s too hard – may your heart be cradled by the God who LOVES you.

For those who mourn the child they have lost – may your tears be captured the God who SEES you.

For those who are bleary-eyed and exhausted from late-night feedings and too-early cries – may your strength be renewed by the God who SUSTAINS you.

For those whose breakfast was made by chubby hands and brought to them in bed with crayon-drawn cards – may your joy be doubled by the God who GIVES every good and perfect gift.

For those whose children now text, drive, and date – may your fears and concerns be carried by the God who HOLDS the future.

For those who have watched their children grow up and move out – may your heart hold close the promise of the God who GIVES WISDOM (to you and to them!).

For those who are raising children without the support of husband or family – may you be given strength by the God who HELPS us all.

For those who raise children who are not their own, be it fosters or steps or grands – may your sacrifice of love and compassion be blessed by the God who GAVE His Only for each of us.

For those who will spend this day alone – may you rest in the presence of the God who DRAWS NEAR to the lonely and brokenhearted.

Mothers are not just those who give birth physically, mothers give us life in so many ways … through encouragement and support, through love and shared tears, through sacrifice and struggle … and to those who are mothers in all different forms …

Today, I pray that you know this …

You are LOVED and BLESSED!

Thank you for all you have done and continue to do!



One Small Drop in the Sea

The latest statistics report that an American woman now has the expected life span of 79.4 years.  That being the case then I am slightly OVER middle age!!!  This year of the new decade is hitting me hard.  I believe that a lot of you readers are younger than I; stick with me through this post, maybe this old lady can teach you something!

I have been meditating quite a lot lately about my life.  Deep thoughts that I would consider to be what one thinks about when having a mid-life crisis.  That description that seems closest to any familiarity of this strange phenomenon that I am experiencing.  At first glance the phrase conjures up trivial and worldly connotations. Let me see- let me google "mid-life crisis" and see what I find.

OK- here is the defintion set by wikipedia which is the most authoritative source on the subject, right?  I placed in bold that which I feel I am experiencing.

"Midlife crisis is a term coined in 1965 by Elliott Jaques and used in Western societies to describe a period of dramatic self-doubt that is felt by some individuals in the "middle years" or middle age of life, as a result of sensing the passing of their own youth and the imminence of their old age. Sometimes, a crisis can be triggered by transitions experienced in these years, such as extramarital affairs, andropause or menopause, the death of parents or other causes of grief, unemployment or underemployment, realizing that a job or career is hated but not knowing how else to earn an equivalent living, or children leaving home. The result may be a desire to make significant changes in core aspects of day-to-day life or situation, such as in career, work-life balance, marriage, romantic relationships, big-ticket expenditures, or physical appearance."

Well, maybe I am not having a mid-life crisis...I DO want to take better care of myself physically but I do not have a craving to make a big-ticket purchase like a convertible (my husband already bought one a few years ago).  I do not have self-doubt and am confident in my vocation of womanhood.  However, I DO have a very real sense of the passing of my youth and the imminence of old age.  I want my life to count.  I want to make a difference.

This scripture says it well, "So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom."   -Psalm 90:12 KJV

So maybe I am experiencing a real profound understanding of this scripture through the Holy Spirit.  Because my life right now (my life on this earth) seems really short!

Last Wednesday I mentioned about the desire for self preservation.  There is no such thing for the redeemed Christian.  And yet, that is the paradox.

I-am.  I am here sitting in this chair.  And you are there reading these letters.  You are.

Yet I only will remain I-am eternally when I die (today) and find my life hidden in Christ.  There is that theme again. -my life hidden in Christ.

He proclaims Himself to Moses and His people, "I AM."

Jesus poignantly responds, "I AM".

 I, Nicol, am not.  Yet my humanness wants to remain I am.

The Great and only True I AM created me separate yet to be connected with something greater than my self. Think of a grain of sand.  Think of the entire sea shore of the beach.

One drop of water.  The mighty waves of water of the ocean.

Think about one molecule- consider ALL of the innumerable molecules that make up the universe.

The grain of sand has no meaning without the context of the beach.

The drop of water quenches not without the other drops with it.

The molecule forms not with out the bonding of other molecules.

I am.  I am small.  I was made to be grafted into His vine, a part of His body, a building block of His Kingdom that will not end.  To be I am is to be hidden in His things greater than myself.

So those thoughts are mine today...I of myself am nothing.  But with Him- He has made me be a part of all His things.

I am thinking some other deep- or you may be thinking weird thoughts- I will share those next Wednesday as we walk with Him.

 

For today my thoughts cause me to give thanks from my inner most soul that His grace would allow me to be a part of His expanse.  His beauty. 

Yes, I may only have a blick of an eye left of this world but He has made His legacy to resound in me.  Thank you.

A God Who Hears

I am participating in Five minute Friday with Gypsy Mama. Today in five minutes or less I will write to you about the awesome God who hears us.

Spring has arrived!  Yeah!  We did not think it would as the 30 degree temperatures lingered in our corner of the world.  But Spring has come with April showers and bursts of warm sunshine.  This of course is the perfect combination needed for May flowers AND grass to come alive and flourish.

Last year I told myself, "I am hiring a lawn care company to take on this task next year." With perfect, complete affirmation I made that promise to myself as I battled with the weed whacker yet again (the THIRD version I believe).  Now let me explain.  My husband does not "DO" yard work.  End of that point.  I am the one with the green thumb, the artist landscaper's eye, the flower lover, gardener, and herbalist.  So everything short of cutting down trees, the outside of our property has always been my domain of responsibility.  Oh, another piece of information repertoire is that we do not live on a rectangular suburb parcel of grass which would be easy for any twelve year old with even a push mower to take of.  Our property is a very large square made up of about one hundred little puzzle pieces and with all different curves and angles.  Many of which can only be reached with a weed whacker.  Thus, the antagonist of my whole story.

The weed whacker.  I have been instructed.  I have tried and succeeded few times.  But more than not I cannot keep that little thing going!!!  I have used gas ones and electric- no difference. Then if I CAN keep the little blade eater working, that plastic string (which is actually its very efficient "blade") always brakes.  So my neighbors can see me handling this thing with motor running as I am continually banging it on the concrete or pavement to let it out more.  Usually it just gets stuck.  So then I turn the motor off (remember how hard it is for me to get it running?) then untangle, unscroll, unscrew the compartment holding all of that good plastic blade and release it.  Only to start the process all over in about another 90 seconds.  Last Fall ws the last time I told myself.

I hope that I have not lost your interest...and I can hear you wondering, "What does this have to do with a God Who hears?"  Just stay with me please a few moments more.  I had to explain my frustration to serve the desire of my prayer request.

So....last Fall I decided- I am hiring a landscape company do to my lawn care.  This decision follows in with my motto for 2011 "to De-STRESS as much as possible".  Yes, that is my WORD for the year, but that is for another blog to explain.

Lawn care company?  I know the perfect one!  My intuition told me to choose this particular company that I had seen working here and there around my side of town. The crew is directed my what I ascertained as a very hard-laboring woman.  Their service was always sharp and very professional.  But not having a NAME printed on any of their vehicles , I did not know who THEY were.  I waited till I noticed a distant neighbor outside when I was driving by.  She told me the name of the company but did not have their phone number with her.  Yes, they did a great job for a reasonable rate.  "My intuition is right!", I thought.

That same day I went home in search of this phone number.  Two phone books, yellow pages, white pages, Google, and newspaper did not produce any information!  Meanwhile the earth continued to open to the rain, the sun keeps shining, and the grass is still growing.  By now my surrounding neighbors have all cut THEIR grass which only makes OUR grass look like a soon to be jungle!

So- I PRAY.  "Father would you cause me to discover this lawn care company working somewhere so that I may stop and ask them of their services and phone number?" I had not actually seen them this Spring only the fruits of their labors from the one neighbor that I had told you about.  

That was it.  A little trusting prayer.

A few days go by and the grass is still growing.  "Wonder if we have any gas in our lawn mower from last year?  I could give it a quick hack job."

THEN- last night my husbands joyfully tells me.  "I saw Theresa!  and I got her number!"  I tell him that he is a conduit to an actual PRAYER.  We are both happy.  As soon as this black sky with singing birds becomes light I will call Theresa to salvage my yard for the season with her gifted skills with the weed whacker and other such stuff.

I am amazed-  my Father heard, cared to answer, DID answer my request!  Is that not awesome?  Really.  Think about it.

The Creator of the Universe MOVED on MY behalf!  To me that is a miracle in the same genre as resurrecting Lazarus.  Neither was HARD for Him.  He DID it!  He heard me.

Is there anything too small for Him?  I will answer "No." as I enjoy my pedicured carpet of green.

Is there something that you could, should, trust into His care?  Will you take some moments and give it to Him?

Sorry, Gypsy Mama I could not get it done in five minutes nor without using spell check!  Maybe I will do better next Friday.



Who Is the Filler of Your Soul?

Who is the filler of your soul? (This is a rewrite of a previous post.)

It has been many years since I have learned the life-changing truth that my husband cannot meet all of my needs...The need for happiness, security, purpose, value, peace, and contentment. I have learned and continue to experience, "My God shall supply all (my) needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:19) Not only food and clothing but the needs of my SOUL....answers for my existence, a purpose to live for, a passion to dive into, joy, and all of the other secret desires of my heart.

He is the perfect Lover of my soul.

Relieving my husband of this role changed my marriage. I began to ENJOY my husband not focusing on his short comings in meeting my needs. I had set him up to fulfill a task that was impossible for him to actualize.  He is human full of shortcomings so why was I expecting my happiness to be met in a man?  I had fallen for the Prince Charming promise.  Or rather I misplaced my expectations on the wrong prince.  I have two Princes but only One is the complete Lover of my Soul.

When reading The Love Dare I became aware of the desires that I had for my husband to fulfill. I want more- more depth of love in our relationship, more intimacy, more camaraderie. Are these desires wrong or misplaced? In speaking of marriage, I do not think so. I did not endeavor to take the "Dare" because my marriage was bad or falling apart. Rather, I wanted more! to have the ultimate marriage experience on this earth and I would do my utmost to make that happen! I felt a push to strive to have an exceptional marriage as a testimony of God's handiwork and for my pleasure and satisfaction!

But what about just having a "good marriage" to a "good man"? What is wrong with that? Is that not enough? My husband is thoughtful, loving, a great provider, friend, and a wonderful father.

I sense the Holy Spirit leading me to gain a new perspective. To not put expectations on my husband to be responsible for my happiness, purpose, and contentment.  A heart that confidently knows that all of my needs are met through Christ Jesus.  A woman who enjoys her marriage completely at this moment and accepts her husband right now with all of his flaws and shortcomings.

Who are you looking to right now to fulfill the longings of your heart?

Are you allowing Jesus to romance you?

"My beloved speaks and says to me,

'Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.'"

-Song of Solomon 2:10 Ampl.

He wants you to come away with Him.  Will you meet Him today?

What Does Jesus Mean to You right now?

This Easter season I ask myself, "What does Jesus mean to me right now in my life?"  The first thoughts that come to mind are that I am forgiven from my sins.  But that answer came remotely as though I was answering a Sunday school question (if I went to Sunday school) or a foundational lesson that I want to teach my girls.

Not belittling that most awesome fact- that my sins are taken away- nor to make light of what it took for that to happen- nor to be unthankful to our Father's most gracious HEART- nor to say that THAT answer so foundational and simple should be a more elaborate one so that I may sound more "spiritual".  (For that is the beauty of the gospel is it not?  So simple and  full of LOVE.)  But I was posing this inquiry to myself searching for an honest response answering the questions, "What have you been thinking about concerning your life in Christ?  What does Jesus mean to me right now in my life?"

And after pondering a few quiet moments I think my answer to myself is that He gives my life PURPOSE.

In my humanness I cannot keep present in my mind ALL of the vast benefits of His salvation and the depth of their meaings simultaneously in my conscious.  Maybe you are more (or less) human than I... Right now in this period of my life when I wonder, "What difference is MY life in the scheme of all existence?"  I concur with the Spirit that my life has meaning only when it is hidden in HIS.  And so thankfully it is.

He has redeemed my life.  And it is I that no longer live but Him through me.  That does sound heady.  But when I put to death my desire for self preservation, I find my purpose in HIM. My life has been redeemed; I have a purpose TO my life because of Him and FOR Him.  And this is the way that makes me feel this Easter as I ponder about His death and Resurrection.

a desire to worship-

freedom-

joy-

PEACE-

bliss

What does Jesus mean to you this Easter season?  Please share with me.

Whining or Weaned?

I have been fussy lately.

Easily annoyed.  Irritable.

Mouthing my complaints.

Squawking....

She lay here.  Me on my left side- my favorite side on which to sleep.  Her back up against my belly.  All cuddled and close.  I love it.  Her smooth, soft skin touching mine.  Her silky hair tickling my arm.  You do not need to write to me about the wrongs of having children sleep with you.  It does not happen that much.  Well, not really.  I was so cold last night that I did request that she dream alongside me so that I could warm myself like one warms hands over a fire.  But too soon the fire burns too hot and I kick off half of my covers.  Half because if I kick them all off then I wake from the cold and the process is repeated.  But if I just use half of them then the half HOT and half COLD balance to an overall warm.  That is the plan anyway but it does not always work.

Right now I lay awake.  The room is dark.  My body temperature seems fine  (one of  few specific, predictable reasons that I awaken mid-sleep) but my mind is full of one thousand things flying through it like a jet taking off for Chicago.  My thoughts of anger, worry, fear.  They come at my mind like the harsh cries of an infant.  Think about the cry of a baby. Babies do not whimper as when a child scuffs his knee; they WAIL until they get what they want. If they do not get gratification; they WAIL LOUDER!



Then I feel her warmth again, the smoothness of her body, the softness.  My thoughts hone in on her body lying next to mine.  She has put on a little winter weight and her belly is almost as soft as Mama's beside her. I love these moments.  Yes, I love to cuddle.  But I also love that she is QUIET.  Still.  Peaceful.  So content lying in my embrace.

For she is not usually like that.  In moments of awakeness she is my high-spirited child with the disposition of a drill sergeant stuffed in a three-foot body.  Very trying.  Very demanding.  Is it temperament or parental error?  I concede that it is probably some of both.  But NOW she is resting so smug and serene.

"Nicol...."  The Voice speaks softly.

"Yes?"

"THAT is how I want you to be with Me- like a weaned child lying in my embrace." 

"Oh, yes.  Of course, Daddy."  My tantrums flutter in my mind.  My disheveled peace that has been riding the waves of my emotions.  The images of "cry baby", "whining baby", selfish woman who needs to get a new perspective...are leaving.

"Rest in Him," I tell myself. 

"Surely I have composed and quieted my soul;

Like a weaned child rests against his mother,

 My soul is like a weaned child within me."   ~Psalm 131:2

I purpose to not voice my baby cries.  I purpose not to have them in the first place.  Instead of squalling as a nursing baby until I am satisfied I shall rest in His embrace as I put my trust and hope in Him.

My Daddy and I have known each other for a while now.  I am a big girl.  And I love that I can still bare my back to Him in an intimate embrace.  He knows that I am a woman, but to Him I am still His little girl. 

I am weaned.

I can trust Him.

So I "still" and "quiet" my soul.  I do this by the Stong's Concordance definition of composing myself.  I gain a new perspective.  I level my thoughts and emotions so that they are not tossing to and fro; I equalize them by casting down vain imaginations that would exalt themselves above what I know to be TRUE.  (2Corinthians 10:5) I leave that place of "My Whiny World" and escape to the shore of a calm child. 

And I fall asleep.

Are you whining or weaned?

A Reason to Write

Quiet.

The Quiet.  How delightful!  "What should I do?  How can I use this time?  I do not want to waste it!"

All four of my children gone out of the house.  They are playing, shopping, dancing, outside of these four walls called home.  Mama left alone.  Delightful.

..."hmmm....what should I do?  Isn't this what I always dream of- some QUIET, UNINTERRUPTED TIME?" 

"read a magazine....yes, nonchalantly, as though I have not a care in the world, I should grab a cup of tea and skim the pages of a magazine that I never have time to read.  But I should post on my blog.  Don't I always desire more time to write?"

Yet what should I write about?  ordinary events have been happening.  Rain pitter-patters on the earth.  My Golden Retriever gazes at me with a bored look in her eyes.  Usual stresses of Life to deal with.  Laundry piles.  Arguing siblings.  Light bulbs that need changed.  Those things that you are probably experiencing right now.

Why do I even have a BLOG?  There are so many women out there in the gargantuan cyber community that have better things to say and more attractive ways to say it?

Oh, no.  Not this conversation with myself again.

Then I see my penned handwriting on already aged paper. The date read October 10, 2006.

"For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance shall arise... from elsewhere, but you and your father's house will perish.  And who knows but that you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this and this very occasion?"

~Esther 4:14, Amp.

Those words the Strong yet ever so Patient and Gentle Voice gave to me after much prayer and contemplation about the birth of the Ladies Of Virtue ministry site years ago.  I do not think that I have read them since and here they are tucked into a binder.

The words on this yellowing page continue.

"I had just prayed that the Lord would bring women needing encouragement to this media outlet...that He would give me wisdom, a keen style of writing and eloquence in my speech.  Most of all a deep love for Him, His Word, and those that He would cross my path with."

Today, I suppose that He knew that I needed that reassurance again.

That One voice CAN make a difference.

to YOU.

to ME.

my words, though they be feeble attempts to capture His workings of my soul, can speak healing to YOUR soul.

So I place my fingers to this keyboard and write.

For if I write for only ONE then I do His will.

If I write for only one-  then I prayerfully concede that you are blessed.
You are encouraged.
You are strengthened in this journey sometimes dark.

Are you that one?  for which I write?

For I am here.  You are here.  And He IS.

"Two are better than one and a three fold cord will not be quickly broken."  ~Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Do you know that you have something to speak about?
That you have been ordained for this very moment to share?
That YOU have been brought to the kingdom for this very thing?

Is it the words to your co-worker?
a sister?
a neighbor?

Speak His words.
Write His words.
Share His words.

The string of letters that you string together may be just the wisdom of jewels that will enrich the feeble soul.  Or the chain of pearls that beautify the worn and weary heart.

I will string together my letters.  Will you too?

for I may be that ONE that needs them.



Would you like to apply for the She Speaks scholarship?  Visit http://www.aholyexperience.com/2011/03/how-christians-create-art-she-speaks-scholarship/

Hope While Answers Tarry

A few weeks ago I took these pictures and thought they would make great visuals for a blog entry titled "Hope".  See the vibrant green peeking out from the frozen earth?  Hope that new life is ready to burst forth.

I have heard that in Kentucky the ladies are already planting their gardens!  But here in Pa that is not typical until Memorial Day!  So March is an unpredictable month of warm teases of the sun and blistering snow storms.

April cannot come soon enough for me- the calendar guarantee that Spring is here.  I love the snowy winters here, truly, but this winter seems to have dragged.  I am so ready for Spring with new life, new opportunities, dreams to be realized.

And you know what?  Yesterday the gray sky opened and huge,white, wet flakes descended heavily upon my world.  I was not happy about it!  "Wait!  It is supposed to be 60 degrees!  I will even take 50 degrees with sunshine!"  Instead my daffodil greens got blanketed with ice.

I could not help but feeling that Nature was a parallel picture of my soul....HOPE DEFERRED.

Seems that my hopeful, happy expectancies of a few weeks ago are running dry.  No answer to my prayers.  No change in circumstance...the same cold wind and icy ground.

I took this picture yesterday.

Instead of breathing hope- the sign was mocking me.  "Spring Returns..."  Not yet! Winter drags...........and then snows again.

But thankfully the gentle Voice spoke to me,
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."  (See Romans 15:13 NIV)

"Yes, Lord.  Though answers tarry.  YOU are Hope. The Stirrer of dreams.  The One who makes the flowers rise out of the frozen earth.  I will believe You and Your promises and patiently wait."

Beloved, what are you hoping for? a loved one to know salvation?  work for your husband?  circumstance to change?  HOPE in God. Trust.  Believe.  Your soul will be put at peace and filled with JOY as you expect. Even as the answer tarries.

Today I look at the same flag outside my front door.  TODAY it reads-  "Yes, Spring Returns- It is on its way!"