Thursday, June 2, 2011

A Drop of Water for the Dry Sponge

If you have read the been reading my recent posts, you are aware that I am going through SOMETHING.  I am not one to be verbal about my sorrows; moreover, I do not seek sympathy by spreading my turmoils among friends.  Instead I retreat.  I go inward.  I go to a place where I eventually meet GOD.  He heals me.  He restores me. He picks me up.  And sometimes He even gives me eagles wings so that am enabled to SOAR above my circumstance. (Isaiah 40: 28-31)

Right now though I am a place that is so unfamiliar, so desolate.  A wilderness that seems to have no end to the chaos.  As I meditate it has been about two years now of this arduos journey...through the wilderness, through the desert.  Maybe one or two stops on the high hills.  But it has been so long since I have soared among the mountain peaks that I do not think I could remember how to soar even if I had those eagle's wings placed upon me now.

Two years ago my oldest son was 15.  The second to oldest son was 14.  That is all I will say about them....

My last journal entry I was exhausted- drained- from the depths of my soul, from my head to my toes.  I felt led to post that diary entry of mine.  It has now been about a week and I wanted to continue sharing with you my journey.

I have been feeling like a dry sponge.  Do you know what I mean?  A natural sponge from the sea is meant to absorb water- to be full- and to be expressed- poured out.  Jesus said that "everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." (John 4:13)   I can say that most of my Christian life I have been a sponge full of Life pouring out water, being filled again, and again.  Squeezing myself so that drops of liquid spiritual healing may wet the sponges that I come into contact with.  That is my purpose to be full so that I might be emptied.

But presently, I have felt like a DRY sponge.  Have you ever touched one?  They are hard, brittle, full of holes, and not in their natural state.
THAT is how I have been feeling of late.

There is nothing in me to give.

I am dry.

I am empty.

I have been hardened.

I am not in my usual, natural state.

If I parallel this to my soul-world, I could say that I feel completely undone.  Have you ever been there?  I think that this might be my first time experiencing this in this way.  It is like I feel flat. -almost hollow .  This is the state people crave release by the sweet kiss of death.  I can understand that now.

But for HIS GRACE.

He gently, ever so gently, like the soft rustling of the wind in the grass whispers, "This is where I want you to be- empty."

But Father, "I am parched.  Dry. Cracked.  Relieve me of the fiery serpents and scorpions.  Bring me out of this wilderness and thirsty ground where there is no water."

"Your sorrow is from an other's sin; this place, I leave you here.  But I AM with you."

"It does not feel like it Lord!"

Drop.

Drop.
Drop.

A drop of water.  Liquid healing.  Sustenance.  I have been feeling the drops.  Only one a day maybe.  Drops of grace.  A word of encouragement.  A scripture of promise.   A heart that understands.  Just a few drops.  Small relief for a thirsty soul.  But though one small drop of the water molecule does not quench my thirst or take the dry cracks from my soiled heart, it does promise Hope, Comfort, and Joy.

Hope- that with Him all things are possible.

Comfort- that He has not left me to my own demise.

Joy- that He is with me and loves me with so great a Love. 

Jesus was wounded for my transgressions.  He sorrowed over my sin.  Is this what I am to learn? to share in some minscule way an understanding of what He endured for me? And that to be FULL I must be EMPTY?  I feel really empty.  I do not think that I consciously could have ever taken my psyche to this state on my own.  It has been the desert, the scorpions that have taken me to a place of un-doneness.  I am undone.

The dry sponge drinks in the drop...day after day now there has been a "plunk" of another drop.  I trust that He will saturate me again.  That I will be a watered garden again.  I trust that the Lord shall, "guide me continually and satisfy me in this drought and make strong my bones.  I will be a spring of water whose waters fail not." (Isaiah 58:11)

I even trust that He will rain a deluge over my soul.

But for now, I trust and quaff each drop waiting for the next.

3 comments:

Project Life Blog Queen said...

Hi Nicol, I was waiting for another post from you. So sorry that you are still going through this but happy? that you are finding your way out? Your writing is so beautiful and I know it will be an encouragement to others who are going through the same thing.

Lisa said...

Trusting and waiting are sometimes two things that are difficult to do (at least for me--especially the waiting part.) We have been in a holding pattern for a while now, and I've learned many lessons about trusting and waiting, and I still have many more to learn!

I'm truly sorry that this time is such a difficult one for you, but it sounds like God is teaching you some valuable truths about Himself and your own heart. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.

Angela said...

Continuing to pray you'll be filled to overflowing. Love you. :)

There was an error in this gadget