I have been meditating quite a lot lately about my life. Deep thoughts that I would consider to be what one thinks about when having a mid-life crisis. That description that seems closest to any familiarity of this strange phenomenon that I am experiencing. At first glance the phrase conjures up trivial and worldly connotations. Let me see- let me google "mid-life crisis" and see what I find.
OK- here is the defintion set by wikipedia which is the most authoritative source on the subject, right? I placed in bold that which I feel I am experiencing.
"Midlife crisis is a term coined in 1965 by Elliott Jaques and used in Western societies to describe a period of dramatic self-doubt that is felt by some individuals in the "middle years" or middle age of life, as a result of sensing the passing of their own youth and the imminence of their old age. Sometimes, a crisis can be triggered by transitions experienced in these years, such as extramarital affairs, andropause or menopause, the death of parents or other causes of grief, unemployment or underemployment, realizing that a job or career is hated but not knowing how else to earn an equivalent living, or children leaving home. The result may be a desire to make significant changes in core aspects of day-to-day life or situation, such as in career, work-life balance, marriage, romantic relationships, big-ticket expenditures, or physical appearance."
Well, maybe I am not having a mid-life crisis...I DO want to take better care of myself physically but I do not have a craving to make a big-ticket purchase like a convertible (my husband already bought one a few years ago). I do not have self-doubt and am confident in my vocation of womanhood. However, I DO have a very real sense of the passing of my youth and the imminence of old age. I want my life to count. I want to make a difference.
This scripture says it well, "So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom." -Psalm 90:12 KJV
So maybe I am experiencing a real profound understanding of this scripture through the Holy Spirit. Because my life right now (my life on this earth) seems really short!
Last Wednesday I mentioned about the desire for self preservation. There is no such thing for the redeemed Christian. And yet, that is the paradox.
I-am. I am here sitting in this chair. And you are there reading these letters. You are.
Yet I only will remain I-am eternally when I die (today) and find my life hidden in Christ. There is that theme again. -my life hidden in Christ.
He proclaims Himself to Moses and His people, "I AM."
Jesus poignantly responds, "I AM".
I, Nicol, am not. Yet my humanness wants to remain I am.
The Great and only True I AM created me separate yet to be connected with something greater than my self. Think of a grain of sand. Think of the entire sea shore of the beach.
One drop of water. The mighty waves of water of the ocean.
Think about one molecule- consider ALL of the innumerable molecules that make up the universe.
The grain of sand has no meaning without the context of the beach.
The drop of water quenches not without the other drops with it.
The molecule forms not with out the bonding of other molecules.
I am. I am small. I was made to be grafted into His vine, a part of His body, a building block of His Kingdom that will not end. To be I am is to be hidden in His things greater than myself.
So those thoughts are mine today...I of myself am nothing. But with Him- He has made me be a part of all His things.
I am thinking some other deep- or you may be thinking weird thoughts- I will share those next Wednesday as we walk with Him.
For today my thoughts cause me to give thanks from my inner most soul that His grace would allow me to be a part of His expanse. His beauty.
Yes, I may only have a blick of an eye left of this world but He has made His legacy to resound in me. Thank you.
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1 comment:
Wow, Nicol, what a great reminder at ANY time of life. thank you for sharing this.
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