Thursday, May 26, 2011

Journal Thoughts

I am kind of in a dark funk right now...I HAD wanted to begin a series about "Ladies Of Virtue".  What is a Lady?  Who are (we)?  What is virtue and how does it effect our lives?  How do we become virtuous?

All of these scrumptious nuggets waiting to be rolled into one delectable pastry that would last weeks.

However- LIFE happens.

"The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." -Proverbs 16:9

I had recently said that I am taking a writing hiatus.  I still am of sorts.  I presently am not writing where I really need to study scripture to deliver to you an inspiring article of Truth.  Just now though, I had to look up "steps" in the concordance....It means "pace"- which unequivocally, exactly fits what I am trying to say!  I have so many ideas to share with you, subjects to study.  The "LOV Journal" was meant to inspire women to LOVE being women, being godly women, and to see the Beauty that surrounds us.  That is my gift of exhortation in a nut shell.  Look for the pretty, look or the positive, look for the silver lining in the cloud.  Those phrases are what I diligently communicate to myself and try to share with others.  I do not like ugly things; I do not like to share ugly thoughts, feelings, the stuff that makes me feel more like beast than human.

But presently, the Lord has slowed my pace to almost a standstill. My strength is gone. The brightly burning embers are dim.

I understand that as I am comforted through hard times I am enabled to comfort others.  But most of the content of my HARD stuff deals with those closest to me.  Out of respect for them I cannot, do not write about the struggles we endure.  However, the other night I was writing in my journal- you remember, the old faithful friend with soft pages and ink swirls that remains faithful with your secrets?  Your BFF that is always as close as a reach-to-the-draw away?  I was writing when the thought occurred to me that I should post this particular entry.

So what you see below- is ME... raw, unedited (well, with name removals and se- adjustments for privacy)- written by the woman who yearns to be a Lady of Virtue.

"writing- feel compelled to- _ just blew up at me.  Hard to believe that it took h-- this long; I was waiting for it.  -e's all upset- how can -e go to work away to make a living when I am falling apart?  Really, __ is half of it.  I would have screamed at __ right now and shut the door. __e is crying because I am making __ sleep in __ own room.  If I do not, I think that I will go clinically nuts.  Such is the state my __ can get me in.  Still I can hear __ annoying, pitiful attempts of whining/crying to get my attention.  It is annoying me because __ is trying to sleep on the other side of the wall.  I'm putting ear plugs in soon.  Why do I let my ____ stress me out this much?  I haven't even mentioned  what happened with ______.  My heart feels like it exploded and all that is left are shards of glass lying on the floor.

I feel that if I let myself I could
a) scream and scream loudly till my throat is hoarse

b) physically b--- one specific ____

c)get in a car and drive to (who cares?) and not even look back

All but for God's grace.

....but I feel that it (His grace) is a tiny trickle, one small drop to quench the thirsty parched throat of one who has just traversed the Sahara.  Or I feel like I am hanging over a precipice with only a thread to hold on to. -not a sailor's well-trained knot of thick cord- just one thin thread- the kind that you would darn a hankie with.

Why does it feel like that when His grace is sufficient?"

Perhaps tomorrow I will post some more.


Project Life Blog Queen said...

Nicol...I'll be praying for you. I love that you were able to share.

Angela said...
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Susan Mc said...

Hope The Spirit lifts you this weekend! He is the lifter of our head! I found your blog on the Circle of Mom's List have a sweet smile! I will check in again and read some of your thoughts.

Becky said...

Seeing the bits and pieces, I think I can understand where you are coming from. Throwing in the towel does seem like the easiest solution right?

But thankfully we have a God that has some mighty big shoulders where we can just lay it all on Him. When times get tough and I think that I've failed beyond all failure. I remember this:
Lamentations 3:22-23
"The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
His mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness."

Just rest in His faithfulness-

Craig said...

Nicol, I have read thousands upon thousands of blog posts by now. I've been moved, edified, entertained, but very seldom moved to tears by the raw beauty of the words – the heart behind the words. Through all of those blanks, and dashes, and names and details left out – I heard your heart. My heart heard your heart. My heart was moved. And I prayed. You ARE a woman of virtue! God bless and keep you. God give you strength. God give you peace. Amen – and thank you.