A Confession and God's Goodness

I have a confession to make, but first, I want you to read the following scripture very carefully.

"What leads to strife and how do conflicts originate among you?  Do they not rise from your sensual desires that are ever warring in your bodily members?  You are jealous and covet (what others have) and your desires go unfulfilled; (so) you become murderers.  You burn with envy and anger and are not able to obtain (the gratification, the contentment, and the happiness that you seek),  so you fight and war.  You do not have, because you do not ask. Or you do ask God for them and fail to receive, because you ask with wrong purpose and evil, selfish motives.  Your intention is (when you get what you desire) to spend it in sensual pleasure. You (are like) unfaithful wives (having illicit love affairs with the world and breaking your marriage vow to God!)  .....Or do you suppose that the Scripture is speaking to no purpose that says, The Spirit Whom He has caused to dwell in us yearns over us and He yearns for the Spirit (to be welcome) with a jealous love.  But He gives more grace (power to of the Holy Spirit, to meet this evil tendency and all others fully.)  That is why He says, God sets Himself against the proud and haughty , but gives grace (continually) to the lowly (those who are humble enough to receive it.) ~James 4:1-4, 4-6 Amplified

Does that living word cut into your heart and bring to light any thought and intentions that were hidden deep within its recesses?

A couple of week's ago I was lamenting with a friend that while I feel called to write and teach I do not feel like it is going anywhere.  The desire to encourage and comfort.women in their Christian faith is a fire burning in my belly.  However, I often struggle with envy.  There it is that green, ugly word- ENVY.  What else can I call it?  When I see other bloggers grow without measure, their ministry exploding- I want that for myself.  I want to have thousands of readers hanging on my words, be asked to do radio shows, and television cameos. But why?  Is it so that thousands of women are comforted and exhorted or so that I can feel more important?  I have to admit that it is both.  But therein, lies the struggle and warring within myself.  The battling between my heart and mind and my logic and desires. 

"Why do I have such a strong desire to share the abundant Life in Christ?"  I answer myself, "Because I want to see them living it too."  I have prayed for more open doors, more opportunities to write and teach.   Time passes and things remain idle.

A shadow in the background of my heart whispers to me, "Then why can you not rejoice when others are doing well and being used mightily by God?"   Ugh!  I know the creed of the Upside-down-blogger: I write for One and leave the fruit of my labors for Him to grow.  I know not to compare myself with others.  I known that we are each unique individuals with a unique work.  Then I visit blogs, read the books, hear of their news and I turn green.

The battle!  That is what it feels like, a tug-of-war within my soul. 

I confess this to a friend.  I pray and ask God to help me be glad about other's success.  I remain aware of my sinful heart, but trust that He will help.  Still. I expect a Divine scolding, a reprimand, and a pruning.  

The next day at our church service I am asked to lead the Women's Retreat.  I am floored;  humility cloaks me.  "You want ME?"  I feel so honored.  And in that moment I had a fresh sweet taste of God's goodness.  He was saying to my heart that He purifies my motives, He hears, He gives me my desires, and He has me right where He wants me. 

Can you feel the comfort in that?  The release of selfishness?  I am in awe that my Father granted my desire and opened this door.  That Goodness humbles me.  In this moment I am content.  I am gratified.

I am happy for YOU.   May YOU who are writing be blessed mightily.

 

Linking today with Women living Well, A Holy Expereince and Raising Homemakers.

Whining or Weaned?

I have been fussy lately.

Easily annoyed.  Irritable.

Mouthing my complaints.

Squawking....

She lay here.  Me on my left side- my favorite side on which to sleep.  Her back up against my belly.  All cuddled and close.  I love it.  Her smooth, soft skin touching mine.  Her silky hair tickling my arm.  You do not need to write to me about the wrongs of having children sleep with you.  It does not happen that much.  Well, not really.  I was so cold last night that I did request that she dream alongside me so that I could warm myself like one warms hands over a fire.  But too soon the fire burns too hot and I kick off half of my covers.  Half because if I kick them all off then I wake from the cold and the process is repeated.  But if I just use half of them then the half HOT and half COLD balance to an overall warm.  That is the plan anyway but it does not always work.

Right now I lay awake.  The room is dark.  My body temperature seems fine  (one of  few specific, predictable reasons that I awaken mid-sleep) but my mind is full of one thousand things flying through it like a jet taking off for Chicago.  My thoughts of anger, worry, fear.  They come at my mind like the harsh cries of an infant.  Think about the cry of a baby. Babies do not whimper as when a child scuffs his knee; they WAIL until they get what they want. If they do not get gratification; they WAIL LOUDER!



Then I feel her warmth again, the smoothness of her body, the softness.  My thoughts hone in on her body lying next to mine.  She has put on a little winter weight and her belly is almost as soft as Mama's beside her. I love these moments.  Yes, I love to cuddle.  But I also love that she is QUIET.  Still.  Peaceful.  So content lying in my embrace.

For she is not usually like that.  In moments of awakeness she is my high-spirited child with the disposition of a drill sergeant stuffed in a three-foot body.  Very trying.  Very demanding.  Is it temperament or parental error?  I concede that it is probably some of both.  But NOW she is resting so smug and serene.

"Nicol...."  The Voice speaks softly.

"Yes?"

"THAT is how I want you to be with Me- like a weaned child lying in my embrace." 

"Oh, yes.  Of course, Daddy."  My tantrums flutter in my mind.  My disheveled peace that has been riding the waves of my emotions.  The images of "cry baby", "whining baby", selfish woman who needs to get a new perspective...are leaving.

"Rest in Him," I tell myself. 

"Surely I have composed and quieted my soul;

Like a weaned child rests against his mother,

 My soul is like a weaned child within me."   ~Psalm 131:2

I purpose to not voice my baby cries.  I purpose not to have them in the first place.  Instead of squalling as a nursing baby until I am satisfied I shall rest in His embrace as I put my trust and hope in Him.

My Daddy and I have known each other for a while now.  I am a big girl.  And I love that I can still bare my back to Him in an intimate embrace.  He knows that I am a woman, but to Him I am still His little girl. 

I am weaned.

I can trust Him.

So I "still" and "quiet" my soul.  I do this by the Stong's Concordance definition of composing myself.  I gain a new perspective.  I level my thoughts and emotions so that they are not tossing to and fro; I equalize them by casting down vain imaginations that would exalt themselves above what I know to be TRUE.  (2Corinthians 10:5) I leave that place of "My Whiny World" and escape to the shore of a calm child. 

And I fall asleep.

Are you whining or weaned?

The roar of many waters and peals of thinder....

This morning I read something that stirred my spirit so much I wanted to start shouting and dancing....I want to share it with you too so as you carpool your kids today, wash dirty dishes, and fold clean underwear, your heart and mind will be transpired with lofty dreams of bliss~

"Then I heard what seemed to be the voice of a great multitude, like the roar of many waters and like the sound of mighty peals of thunder, crying out,
'Hallelujah! for the Lord our God the Almighty reigns.
Let us rejoice and exult and give Him the glory, for the marriage of the Lamb has come,
and His Bride has made herself ready; it was granted her to clothe herself with fine linen, bright and pure'- for the linen is the righteous deeds of the saints.
And the angel said to me, 'Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb.' And he said to me, 'These are the true words of God." -Revelation 19:6-9

Have you been invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb? Are you an excited betrothed bride waiting expectantly for our Bridegroom? Imagine, Beloved, the day of the Great Feast when we with the multitudes as vast as the grains of sand raise our voices as the roar of many rushing, crashing waves in exultation of our Lord! Blessed be that day which may come sooner than we think. Let us live purposefully and expectantly today...